


i cry

by zalddow



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 13:06:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13272057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zalddow/pseuds/zalddow
Summary: to be honest, jo jinho isn't really a crier.





	i cry

**Author's Note:**

> this is purely just word vomit at 3 in the morning, also unbeta-ed so i apologize for the mistakes! hope someone likes it.

to be honest, jo jinho isn't really a crier.

when his parents laughed at him at age eight when he mentioned he wanted to be a singer when he grew up, he didn't cry. he just puffed his tiny eight year old chest and spent the rest of his life trying to prove them wrong.

and when he got into sm entertainment and his parents didn't even bat an eye, he walked away and never went back.

he had his fair share of heartaches in his life. what with being thrown into the dungeon after supposedly debuting, finding the guts to give up on his life long dream, and finding motivation to keep fighting again only for his debut to still not be certain. people would've broke down or even lost their minds, but jinho just stood tall and held everything in.

his fellow members knew about this, whenever they get a little emotional in the dorms jinho always took the role of the responsible hyung to lend his shoulder. not only because he is the hyung but because he's usually the only one who isn't a sobbing mess.

so it was a huge surprise to everyone when jinho cried during their debut showcase.

"you do know there's nothing wrong with crying right?" hongseok whispered in his ear while they were on their way back to the dorms.

jinho shrugged and continued to stare at the window, "i know."

-

when jinho first came into cube, he was kind of lost. not only did he come from another company, he already sort of debuted, not to mention that he's kind of old — though he would never admit that out loud.

hongseok was a warm smile and a sweet voice, offering to help jinho get to know the company better even if he was only a few months earlier to join than him.

they clicked pretty easily, seeing as they both came from the big 3 and were so close to debuting but never seem to have got there. not to mention that they shared a birthday, so it was pretty easy to get along with each other.

not long after, both of them found themselves in a survival show to determine their debut. both were pretty excited at the concept of finally being able to get out there again, but also scared because of the possibility of failing again.

"hongseok." jinho nudged his best friend, who was falling asleep on his shoulder while they were watching reruns of some drama at midnight. "do you think we can finally debut?"

hongseok blinked, and a ghost of a small smile found it's way on his face. "yeah, i really do."

"but what if we don't get to debut as 10?"

"we will." hongseok ran his fingers through his hyung's hair and smiled again. "i believe in us."

-

somewhere in between the show, they had a fight. it wasn't really a big deal, in jinho's opinion, but hongseok took it quite hard.

jinho knew this, of course he did. jinho knew hongseok is insecure about fitting in, what with all the shit he got from his previous experiences, he's always been scared of not belonging somewhere.

jinho knew this, and yet he still let his pride get to him.

it wasn't until hyojong came to him late in the evening, him and hongseok haven't talked the whole day and jinho still can't find it in himself to reach out to his best friend.

"hyung." hyojong said, with a small frown on his face. "i saw hongseok finish his interview, i think they asked about your fight."

jinho shrugged and continued to stir his tea, trying to ignore the ache in his chest.

"i think he cried."

jinho immediately froze. "what?"

"his eyes were bloodshot and all puffy." hyojong explained quietly. "maybe you should talk to him, you know how sensitive he is."

jinho knew he had to talk to him, he knew he needs to apologize. hongseok will forgive him, hongseok cares about their friendship and wouldn't let it get ruined because of a survival show. he just needs to make the first move.

hours later, he lay awake in his bed staring at the ceiling. he can easily go to hongseok's room and talk to him, hongseok doesn't sleep well these days so he's probably awake.

but jinho can't do it.

he knows what he has to do, he's already accepted the fact that he's wrong but he just can't make himself move.

maybe he's just terrified, because despite him and hongseok being inseparable, he knows what's at risk. he knows he hurt the one person that actually understands him truly, he caused pain to his best friend in the world because he didn't want to seem weak in front of his fellow members.

that was it, really. the bottomline of it all. jinho knows he needs to stop building this facade of blankness and so called maturity. he knows the members aren't his parents, they won't laugh at him if he shows just a little bit of frustration or sadness. but he still can't do it.

"this is why no one stays with you." jinho whispers to no one in particular. "this is why you have no one, because you always push people away."

-

the day after, hongseok was the one to reach out to him.

"hyung," hongseok started, looking at the floor and not being able to meet jinho's eyes, even if he was the one who pulled him to talk. "i'm sorry. i overreacted, i never should've questioned your hard work. i'm sorry, i really am."

 _tell him he's wrong_. his brain yelled at him. _tell him he didn't do anything wrong and that he shouldn't be apologizing because his best friend is such a heartless freak._

"it's fine." jinho whispered instead. "i'm not really mad. come on, we have a lot of practicing to do."

hongseok smiled at him and pulled him into a hug, "i missed you, hyung."

jinho buried his face into hongseok's shoulder, suddenly so thankful of their height difference. "i missed you too."

 _i'm so sorry._ jinho mouthed on hongseok's shoulder. _i never meant to hurt you._

 

-

right from the beginning, jinho already knew his relationship with hongseok was different from the rest.

hongseok just gets him, he doesn't need to verbalize most of his thoughts because hongseok just knows. it's just how they are, how they've always been.

growing up, jinho doesn't really have much friends. when he was still a kid, he was always a lazy boy and preferred singing in the classroom instead of going out to play with the others. he spent most of his teenage years holed up in some studio, singing until his voice was raw. even when he was at sm, he hardly had any friends since he spent his trainee days just focusing on one thing only: his debut.

other than jinho just wanting to focus on his dreams, there was also the problem of his ways of showing emotion. most people just didn't get him, doesn't understand why he can't just say he cares about someone, doesn't understand when he never lets himself cry even when it's clear on his face he's two seconds away from exploding.

people think he's some kind of bomb. afraid that one day, he'll just explode from everything he kept hiding in for years and they'll be the collateral damage.

hongseok, however, always treated him like a person.

"i don't really mind." hongseok replied one day, when jinho asked him how he's always so patient with him. "people have different ways of handling things, even if your way is kind of destructive, it's just how you are. it's how the world made you deal with these stuff, i'm pretty sure you don't really like keeping it all in but you can't really help it, so why should i blame you?"

jinho just hugged him and buried the sob that threatening to take over him.

-

jinho knew hongseok will always be the exception to all of his rules in life, usually jinho doesn't really feel much so it's not really that difficult for him to handle his emotions. but with hongseok, he really feels like a bomb.

his heart beats rapidly in his chest and his hands start sweating out of nowhere whenever they're together, even worse when hongseok feels touchy for some reason. whenever they have disagreements, jinho feels like his whole world is collapsing. because he knows he'll never be able to find anyone in the world who who fits him like hongseok does.

most of the time, hongseok ends up pushing his buttons really well. there are more than one occasion where jinho wanted to give up and just collapse in hongseok's arms. he never feels like hiding anything with hongseok, because he knows that hongseok will understand.

he knows right from the beginning that hongseok will forever be there for him, that hongseok will never leave him even in the worst circumstances, that hongseok will always be more than just his best friend. hongseok's his rock, his home, the one person he'll never be afraid of dissappointing because knows hongseok will never be dissappointed at him.

-

"hyung."

jinho looks up from where he was sitting on his bed, staring at the floor. hongseok was at his doorway, probably already took a shower judging from his wet hair. "yeah?"

hongseok shut the door and went to sit on the other side of jinho's bed. "why did you cry?"

jinho already knew this interrogation was coming. he took a deep breath and tried to calm, it's just hongseok.

"i don't really know." jinho answered. "before i thought it was because i'm finally here, after all that happened, you know? that after all the shit i went through, i'm finally here. but i'm not sure anymore."

hongseok furrowed his eyebrows and moved closer, trying to search for the answers on his face. "what do you mean?"

jinho took a deep breath and closed his eyes. it's just hongseok.

"i always kept everything in check because i was afraid that if i put myself out there — the real me — i'd be mocked. i know it's ridiculous, since the only people who actually did that right from the beginning are my parents, but somehow in the back of my mind i always felt like there's gonna be someone out there like them. who'll make fun of me for having a dream, who'll look at me with confusion when i say i want to be a singer because they're not sure if i can handle it."

hongseok frowned and grabbed jinho's hands. "you don't have to-"

"i want to." jinho takes another deep breath and squeezes their intertwined hands. "so i never bothered to show weakness, to show anything for that matter. i focused on my dreams and how i'll get there, because i thought i'll prove them wrong, i thought i can make them regret making me feel useless and weak because i'm not and i will never be."

"but when i came to cube, when i met you, it didn't really feel like i was working for my dream only. you... you understood me. you looked at me and befriended me and took care of me even if i always seemed so distant. and i know it's just how you are with people, but for me it meant so much more than that. no one really bothered with me while i grew, no one even thought twice to look at me because they knew it'll be difficult for us to get along. but you were different."

"you were always different, right from the beginning. and it took some time to getting used to but in the end i felt like it was impossible for me to breathe without you. because in the end, you'll always be that person for me."

"i cried because i was happy, not because i'm finally debuting, but because i'm debuting with you, with everyone. all throughout pentagon maker i was always on edge, because i knew there was a possibility that not all of us were gonna debut. what's even worse was whenever i saw you get frustrated with not earning dance points, i felt so scared, so helpless. because i don't wanna do this without you, i don't wanna do anything without you."

"when shinwon, yanan, and hyojong were eliminated i almost lost it. i thought it was impossible to enjoy our supposed debut if we weren't together, but i held it in. everyone was upset, everyone cried except me because i still couldn't do it. you know why i cried at the showcase? because you told me before we perfomed you are that you're happy, happy the whole pentagon is together, and that you're happy to sing with me."

"i realized then, just how thankful i am. because amidst everything, i found you guys, i found you. i found my best friends in the world who i'd rather eat my own foot instead of being without. i found you, and i'm just so happy and lucky because not only do i get to live my dreams with my best friends, i get to live them with you."

hongseok just smiled, and pulled jinho in for a hug so tight jinho felt he wasn't able to breathe. "i know."

jinho squeezed him tighter, and let his tears out again, not even caring that he's staining hongseok's clothes. because this is hongseok, and he'll always understand.


End file.
